Did you ever hear the story of the Fisher King?
It begins with the King as a boy, having to spend the night alone in the forest to prove his courage so he can become King. Now while he’s spending the night alone, he’s visited by a sacred vision. Out of the fire appears the Holy Grail, symbol of God’s divine grace. And a voice said to the boy, “You shall be keeper of the Grail, so that it may heal the hearts of men.” But the boy was blinded by greater visions of a life filled with power and glory and beauty. And in this state of radical amazement, he felt for a brief moment not like a boy, but invincible…like God. So he reached in the fire to take the Grail, and the Grail vanished, leaving him with his hand in the fire to be terribly wounded.
Now as this boy grew older, his wound grew deeper, until one day…life for him lost its reason. He had no faith in any man, not even himself. He couldn’t love, or feel loved. He was sick with experience.
He began to die.
One day, a Fool wandered into the castle and found the King alone. Being a Fool, he was simple-minded. He didn’t see a King…he only saw a man alone, and in pain. And he asked the King, “What ails you, friend?” The King replied, “I’m thirsty, I…I need some water to cool my throat.” So the Fool took a cup from beside his bed, filled it with water, and handed it to the King. As the King began to drink, he realizes his wound was healed! He looked in his hands and THERE was the Holy Grail, that which he sought all of his life! He turned to the Fool and said with amazement, “How could you find that which my brightest and bravest could not?” The Fool replied, “I don’t know. I only knew that you were thirsty.”
Well, I must come to you now in humble and naughty confession...
I've been cheating on you.
At the behest of a friend, I began a blog on MySpace.com a few months ago. As I have begun blogging in earnest once again, I felt that I ought to tend to my Diaryland page. I still want to be friends. It's not you, it's me. You've been great, even though I know we've been on-again, off-again for some time now. But I really want to make this work...with both of you. I know, I know...it must sound so trite and selfish to you, but I know that this can be great...for all of us. Come on, baby, give me another chance. ;)
You can find my other blog (and subsequent profile) at: http://profiles.myspace.com/users/11151011. I still be blogging here, as I've gotten into a 'diaretic' mood...doesn't that mean something else, too? :)
I have decided that my favorite genre of music right now is Trip Hop. While there are other bands or performers in other genres that I like better, no single area of music performs as well for me as Trip Hop. It's very relaxing, yet it energizes me at the same time. Great workout music, great walking music, great party music, great reading music...the list goes on. My favorite Trip Hoppers right now are Massive Attack and Portishead. They have a large body of work and you can really enjoy the progression of their style and skill. There are, of course, many others making good Trip Hop, but they currently don't matter. :)
I really need to blog about mundane things like this more often. I usually find myself waiting for something specific to come to me before I blog. What a waste of time, waiting for something better when something good sits before you. Hmm...there certainly is some deeper stuff in that statement, but I'm leaving it alone. Back to work...and Massive Attack (current song: Teardrop). :)
I'm sick of imagining someone else's joys and living someone else's tragedy. Wresting my own life out of the maw of my dreams has proven more difficult, more daunting, than I ever could have known. However, knowing, I might have feared even to try. Call it strategic ignorance. :)
I feel a bit like a frustrated Archimedes...give me a place to stand and I'll move the world, but for God's sake give me a place to stand already!
...been looking at my profile here at Diaryland. Decided to try and update it a bit. This is turning out to be more interesting than expected. It's like having to put yourself down on paper, but without the 'resume-esque' need to sell yourself (except maybe TO yourself, but that's a different issue, and thus a different entry :). I am reminded of High Fidelity, where Rob tells the audience (reader or watcher) that it's WHAT you like, not what you ARE like, that is important in life. In the book, he later realizes how shallow and short-sighted this is (but not in the movie...Americanization? :). However, there is a certain insight to be had from evaluating your likes and dislikes. How did they come about? Who (if anyone) did you borrow/steal them from? Why do you still hold to them? It's almost like our religion, judging by how closely we follow them and how much they mean to us, both on the surface and within our guards and guises.
In any event, it's fun. :) Sort of the feeling you get from cleaning house or moving. You get to throw away old stuff, box up the sentimental stuff, and go out and buy new stuff. I'm such a consumer at heart. :)
Huh...January. Certainly has been awhile. I'm not sure if I can pick this habit back up completely, but I feel stable enough to give it a shot (since when has stability had anything to do with blogging? :).
Lots has changed for me over the past 8 months or so. Good stable job, my own place, better writing and ideas, a much-healed heart, a clearer sense of purpose...at 27, I'm finally starting to come into myself as a person. I think I might try to turn this blog into less a personal venting and more of a place to air ideas and write essays and short stories. I've got many in the works, but reading and research has been taking precedence. It helps to have a core group of friends that I, for the most part, consider to be smarter than I am. That core group is, of course, very small. But ultimately, I believe it's the best way to go. I don't need a lot of dead-weight friends that don't really mean much to me. That may be the biggest underlying change for me...things are really beginning to mean something to me. That which has little or no meaning gets tossed aside. Life's too short to be wasted. This is not to say that I've trimmed my life in some elitest way. I'm just learning to love...be it the moment I'm in or the people I'm with. But enough personal meanderings... :)
I've got some blogs to catch up on. That could take awhile. We'll see how it goes. :)
What would you give if your life wasn't enough?
The Fisher King - Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2005
High Infidelity - Friday, Jan. 21, 2005
music of my mind - Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2004
Fall of me - Friday, Oct. 01, 2004
Make sure to get my good side - Tuesday, Sept. 14, 2004
